Clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences
SELF-ASSISTANCE TECHNIQUES FOR EVERY DAY
I have at the reception an attractive, tastefully dressed woman of 35 years old who recently took the post of head of a unit in one of the power structures (30 men are subordinate to her). Behind education, several difficult years of work "in the field", independent study of languages and many other options of "pumping" yourself. Why did she come to me? Because it feels like a loser.
And, paradoxically, the problem escalated after receiving a new appointment. When it comes to this feeling, we always understand the topic of expectations, that is, what the client wants from himself, others and the world as a whole. And not just "wants", but strongly waits (expectations are transformed into requirements).
There are people who strive to be perfect and, as a result, make impracticable, exaggerated demands on themselves (in psychology this is called perfectionism). The perfectionist’s claim level is so high that it cannot be reached. And if it does not work, then who am I? That's right, I'm a loser.
We have worked through the problem of my clients with the help of technology that I offer you today. I suggest in a lightweight version, for independent work (in the process of therapy it is more multifaceted, but the degree of my participation as a therapist is much more). So, self-help equipment number 13 - "The level of expectations."
Step 1. Focus on the problem situation.
My client took for analysis the problem in building relationships with subordinates: their reactions to her instructions and the general attitude towards her.
Step 2. Draw for yourself a ten-point scale, the extreme points on which correspond to the best and worst outcome in this problematic situation (and state what they will look like).
(0) _________________________________________ (10)
In my example, the worst outcome was dismissal, the best (simplifying) - the complete subordination of employees, combined with the adoption of its full authority.
Step 3. Now determine where the WVD point will be (Sufficiently Acceptable Option). This is the outcome that you would find sufficiently satisfactory - the minimum necessary for you to perceive the event as quite positive. Also describe how this solution will look like.
In the case of my client, her RPA almost coincided with the best result. It was formulated as “my employees respect me, they clearly and immaculately carry out all my recommendations, and even behind my back they do not express any aggression towards me, I am an authority for them”.
(0) _____________________________________ UPV ___ (10)
How realistic was it to get such a result? Taking into account the fact that the team is male, all employees with a pronounced “male style of behavior”, she is the first leader in their history - a woman, in her place is one of the oldest employees, “methyl”, etc. We concluded that, if we exclude a miracle, the chances approach zero. Accordingly, as long as she relies on this outcome, she will automatically experience a feeling of failure (regardless of the quantity and quality of effort spent).
And then she “shifted” her WPV down a bit, agreeing that she would be satisfied, if the staff fulfilled most of her instructions well enough, their relationship would be strictly regulated. At the same time, they have the right not to consider it as an authority and to have negative emotions towards it. From this option, the real goal “grew”, and my client focused her efforts on setting up technical aspects of work, distributing functions in a team, and optimizing information. And here she really achieved good results, which she herself estimated as a success.
After a year after the end of our work, I received feedback from this client: occasionally she has a feeling “I am a failure”, but instead of diving into it, she sits down and draws a scale of outcomes, and then adjusts her expectations. And it works.
Step 4. Analyze your DPA, how realistic it is to achieve it, if it is also close to the ideal variant, then it may be worth modifying it a bit so as not to fall into the trap of "escape for the ideal."
Of course, it also happens that the DPA point is located elsewhere in the scale. If you have this way, and you want to know my opinion on this matter, write in the comments or a personal message, I will definitely answer.
Self-help techniques can now not only be read, but also viewed on my channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZAMZv9mOMhKehK1uktK00g
Take care of yourself!